The government says it’ll slash Steam Packet prices, with new “third class” seats.

Passengers boarding at Douglas, Heysham and Liverpool will be given an oar and offered free passage if they row in time to a fat man playing a large drum.

It’s thought the move could also help solve engine problems which have dogged the Ben my Chree and Manannan.

“It was that or start charging more for sausage baps,” said Treasury Minister Alf Cannan, “But there simply isn’t room on board to store that sort of cash.”