Castletown’s preparing to amend its byelaws and ban rowdy parents’ night revelries in the town.

The local authority says the sight of mums and dads celebrating their offspring’s grades until they vomit and fall into the harbour has simply become too much to bear.

“And of course the day after, it’s the teachers’ turn to come out and get legless to forget the parents,” said one publican, “It’s like an academic Somme.”

Locals will still be free to get drunk at any time under the new rules.